my ah ma

my ahma's death anniversary is juz round the corner going by the lunar calendar.. memories of her is not at all vague.. not yet... i've spent far too much of my lifetime with her ard to forget her so fast... i dare say she was ard for more than 80% of my childhood days... when i was 1st borned... till when i come into secondary sch... been thinking of her more these few days... dunno whether it's becoz her annivesary is coming? or juz that it's coming so i feel that i think abt her more?

anyways... i was imagining how she'd passed on that day a yr ago... i wasn't there actually... only my dad and the maid then were there by her side... my bro was at the foodcourt having lunch... actualli after that bro kinda feel very bad that he's at lunch... was even slightly blaming himself for buying extra big serving... but i told him later that in a way i was glad that we were not ard then... coz i think it'll haf been very diff for us to let her go when she's leaving.. dun think she'll be able to pass on peacefully if we were there holding on... luckily my dad was ard... he was at least composed enough to not hold on.. even speaking softly by her ears sending her off gently and reminding her to go look for my ah gong..

when i was informed of the news i left work str away to the hospital.. was tearing quietly in the cab on the way.. remember it was a rainy day that day... (i left my umbrella in the hospital that day i rem..) when i got there she was gone... i mean she's there physically... but spiritually she's gone... the body is still slightly warm thou...

i feel bad actually... that when she was ard.. she was staying at my place... but she was in bed most of the time coz she got stroke abt 9 yrs back... most of the time i was either in the army.. or sch hostel.. or juz not at home... even when im at home i dun talk to her much.. im not good with chatting... but on and off i'll still go into her room and hang ard for a while.. telling her im home... asking if she's eaten... not so much to chat... being optimistic, i told myself that god/buddha/some more-superior-being up there is being kind to me.. to allow me to take care and be by her side for the last few days when she's still alive...

she was hospitalised for pneumonia... some complications of stroke patients... we were told that she might not be able to make it thru that night.. i remembered her holding on very tightly to our hands.. i was quite surprised with the strength of her grip... i stayed over with my cousin and my bro.. she made it thru... in fact she was showing some progress... thou very weak, she told us that she's hungry! so we were quite eager to get her to be fed... some difficulties met with regards to hospital communications... but that was solved by yb.. so it was gd.. and we managed to get her to haf some milk.. thru a tube passing thru her nose.. she cant feel herself being fed coz it's not thru her mouth... so she was actually tearing/crying... perhaps feeling sad for herself... but we did wad we can... she got more better the 3rd day in hospital... was requesting us to let her sit up on her bed coz she wants to look ard... we gladly did... it looks like she was doing fine... but she left the next day... the only day which we weren't ard on Monday...

these few days we've been at home folding bags and bags of josspapers in preparation for her death anniversary... apparently it's quite a big affair huh... mayb some time this weekend i shld go down to where her remains are kept to pay her a visit....